Mussorie Craving

I went to my hometown around 10 days back for some urgent work.. I could not have a real vacation, no matter how much I wanted to have.. The trip was just a weekend one and quite a hectic one. But this time and also during last few trips, there has been a urge inside me to visit the 'Queen of Hills' - Mussoorie, every time I go to Dehra Dun... I am surprised at myself for this sudden wanting to go there...

As a child it never lured me.. Infact my last visit to Mussoorie was around 12-13 years back... During my whole life time, I have been there just 5-6 times.. Not more than that.. While people who visited Doon, craved about going to Mussoorie, it never excited me at all.. I was happy sitting in Doon watching those hills from my bedroom window - during summers, during night and during winters after heavy snowfall.. Beyond that nothing.. But now suddenly I have this craving to go to Mussoorie. I want to go there and see what all has changed.. What still remains the same.. I want to walk through the clouds.. want to experience that chill in the air and simply walk aimlessly on its roads...

Its strange and I think I am crazy to have this feeling, but I want to go there.. Who knows, next time when I visit Doon, I might end up being in Mussoorie for a day... Oh, if you ask me about Doon - it was lovely as usual.. Beautiful winter sun and cold evenings... I loved those two hectic days... In between a short trip to Rishikesh happened, again for some urgent work...Here is one of the pic that I clicked in Rishikesh...

Being a loser...

all the time, everywhere, in everything makes you lose life.. Thats where I currently stand. I have reached a stage in life, wherein I have a firm belief that nothing can ever go right for me. No matter how much effort I put in, how much I want it badly, how much I work towards it, I am not meant for it at all. It seems as if, life has decided to pull me down and put me in the deepest of dumps whenever I try to get up and take a hold on myself. Even the tears have refused to well up in my eyes. Either they have dried or my eyes have refused to cry anymore.. I have started reaching a stage where sometimes, nothing effects me nor do I feel anything.. Am I turning into a stone. I dont want to. I want my feelings to remain intact, but somehow its not happening. I seem to be losing myself with every passing day. The smile is fading away. There is no expression on the face. I appear as a stone hearted person who is not moved by any event. I dont want to be like that. I want my faith to be intact. I dont want to lose trust. I dont want to give up. But its not happening. I need a respite and a break from everyone and everything.

As I ...

...enter into another year of life, I sit back and think what exactly does this day holds for me. Even after a lot of thinking I dont get any reply... I have no excitement or any emotions attached with this day. For me its just another day, which I spend alone, all by myself, working in office, coming back to an empty house, eating alone and then off to sleep... I have accepted it, the way it has been..

But today I am thankful to my boss for taking us to a coffee shop and giving us a surprise treat for my birthday... A few people who claim to be my friend, did not wish and yes, I did get some unexpected wishes.. Thanks to all those who wished.

Performance vs. Progression

As far as I remember, I have written on this controversial topic before as well. Why I am writing again on the same subject is a different story.

As always the team members are eager to know about their progressions/promotions. More than them, its me who is eager to know who all shall be promoted. Its not just their succession, but mine as well in a different way. While we do have the reasons when the team members are not promoted, there are times when we dont. How do we explain that when there are just 2 vacancies and we have almost 10 eligible candidates, that it becomes really difficult to pick and choose those 2 candidates. This happens everywhere. One or the other candidate will have that 0.1 point extra than the other which makes him win the next position.

But at the end of the day, its the manager who feels bad. Somewhere down the line, its an achievement for the manager when his team progresses. The point that I am trying to list down here is, whenever a team member of mine is not progressed, then its me who is more affected than them. Somehow I feel that I failed somewhere thats why they did not progress. At times, I feel helpless as well. Like the situation I mentioned above. Its difficult to make them understand that they may not be less than others, but there are decisions taken, which are not even in our hands.

Also we all know that not everyone becomes a CEO of a company. A lot depends on the kind of work a person does, but yes, luck plays a significant role in our lives. Sometimes I see myself in the same situation few years ago. There were times when I deserved the promotion, even the client sent the recommendation but due to 'Organization and Business Decisions', it was not done. At that time, even I used to feel bad. It is a circle, which makes you feel bad whether you are a manager or a team member. I wish there was an easy way out, somewhere, somehow.... Is there?

Come November

and I start getting butterflies and feeling anxious.. More than one reason to feel like this. Till sometime ago, I used to eagerly wait for this month. The season changes and it announces the onset of winter. Diwali festival. My birthday. Another year is close to coming to an end. When the sunlight does not seem harsh and we like the warmth of it.

But now things have changed. I do not like the onset of November anymore. This month makes me realize that I have grown another year older and have become more lonelier. It seems like a rant here, but thats what the space is meant for. Its my space. This month also tells me that another year has passed in my current job. Why dont I feel happy here? Happiness may be a state of mind but your mind needs to be in place for it.. Isnt it.. I feel miserable now, when November comes. Dont want it to come anymore. I want it to remove from the calendar completely. An insane wish to ask for!! Let it be..

Gone forever

My favourite umpire of all times - David Shepherd is no more. The moment I read this news yesterday, tears welled up in my eyes.. He succumbed to cancer at the age of 68 years. :-(

I have grown up watching him on the cricket field. There are matches which I have watched only because he was the umpire. It was fun to watch cricket only because he was the umpire. He and Steve Bucknor made the best pair on the ground as umpires. I used to love watching these two together on the ground, umpiring a match. David was someone whom I just lovedand adored. His acts, expressions made him such a lovable person. Many a times he reminded me of a Santa Claus. I will still take sometime to digest that he is no more.

Rest in peace David. We love you...

Marriages and Horo(r)scopes

So here comes my pet topic again - Marriage. Ever since I completed my graduation 11 years back, my Mom has been eager to marry me off. Very natural, like every other parent, she wants to see me happy and settled with some nice boy. So the search on war scale started. Discussed with friends, relatives. Tried contacting through newspaper, giving ads, agencies and even the matrimonial sites. But as luck would have it, nothing ever materialized anywhere...

Many a times things were very close to be finalized, but then something or the other happened and it never happened. May be it was not suppose to happen. I have no regrets. At that time, I was not so keen also on getting married. Somewhere down the line, I knew that it wont happen in early 20s.. May be it was my 6th sense..

I found a job and it kept me on my toes with no time left to think about anything. My Mom still continued with her search and was very hopeful.. But as the years progressed, she started feeling dejected at every rejection. I could very well understand her state of mind. Not that she had any high hopes, nor did I. Infact most of the times, things did not even reach me. She does believes in horoscope a lot and according to that, my stars are a little tough. But she was also told that once I cross the age of 27, things would be fine. Still she kept trying..

Now I am 31. Still single. Till few years back, I thought that things are fine and I can manage life, the way it is. Like always, I take life as it comes. No big plans, no high hopes. Just a plain, simple, happy life is what I wish for. I was not serious about marriage before, but now I am. I know what it is to be lonely, when all you need is a hug, a hand to hold, someone to talk to.. A very close school friend of mine asked me to send my horoscope to her. She wanted to help me to find if there is something that could be done. I thought when we have tried all other methods, lets try this one as well. There is no harm in it. Well, the person she showed it to, told her that I have some really bad and tough stars (something I knew already).. He also said that if I dont get married in another 1-1/2 years then it will be really really really difficult in the future. :-)

I didnt know how to react. Its difficult to explain. Not that I completely believe in it, but the way things have been, its forcing me to believe in it. For me marriage is bringing about two souls together who compliment and complete each other. Its the sense of togetherness and the love for each other that matters the most. To have someone next to you, who loves you and whom you can love and care for, holds a lot of importance in life. And to take this relationship forward, one does gets married. Its just a way of being together and be there for each other.. The sheer thought of being lonely for the rest of the life, is threatening. You may have an absolutely loving family and very close friends, but at the end of the day, you do need that someone special. As of now, my hopes seem to die down. I dont want it to happen, but I am forced to believe in it. Its breaking me slowly inside. With every piece breaking, the pain grows and there seems to be no respite....